Trying to get used to being pregnant with a daughter after a traumatic loss of the only daughter I knew I was pregnant with.

This title may be a bit confusing, so here is a little explanation before I get into the issues I am having….

I lost my first pregnancy shortly after our anatomy screening where we found out we were having a daughter. We both actually wanted to have a daughter and were very excited. I have lost two other pregnancies, but too early on to find out the gender of those babies. I have 3 living sons, and am pregnant again with a daughter.

Hopefully that was enough of an explanation for the title. 😉

Now, onto my issues. I find myself referring to this new baby by my first daughter’s name. We plan on giving this child her own unique name, so I don’t think that I just want to use the name we chose for our first child. I think it must be related to PTSD. I can’t explain it though. I tried to talk to my husband about what is going on in my mind, but I really can’t even pinpoint when I’m doing it. We’ve chosen a name for this baby that I am pretty confident will be the one we stick with, but I haven’t been calling her by this name. I don’t know how to just comfortably use her name, and not have her sister’s name pop into my mind.

I think my husband and I are still not 100% certain this baby is a girl until it is confirmed by ultrasound. We’ve only had the harmony blood test done at this point, which is very accurate and predicted the gender of my last two children correctly but visual confirmation will help.

This was a surprise pregnancy, though not a prevented one in any way. I think the shock of being pregnant near 40, and added shock of having a daughter after three sons is just messing with my mind. My premature delivery of my first child was very traumatic, and the gender is adding to my fear this time around. Of course I know that the gender of this child doesn’t mean I will lose her, and since I have taken the step to have a surgery to prevent premature delivery I highly doubt I would lose her in the same manner as my first child.

I just wanted to put it out there that I was struggling with this pregnancy, so that if anyone else is feeling similarly they will know they aren’t alone.

I’m hoping my husband is around the next time I have a Tiffany moment (Tiffany is my first daughter’s name), so that he and I can maybe figure out what is making me have them.


Snow Fun

I hate snow, and cold weather. My 12 year old likes to go out in it, but gets bored so quickly.

A little while ago, my 12 year old told me my 3 year old wanted to go outside. I’m not sure what led to that conversation between them…if my 12 year old had announced he was heading out, or if he asked his younger brother to go outside with him. Either way, the decision was made that they would go out and play. My 3 year old likes to run around the house practically naked though, and just grabbed his boots thinking he was ready. Lol!

We found an old pair of snow pants that were just slightly too big for him, bundled him up and they went out together.

I could hear a lot of happy noises coming from outside, so I went and snapped a few pictures. It’s nice that they can have fun, even with such a huge age gap.

Feeling too old to be pregnant

I’m seeing more and more white hairs every day, my feet are killing me due to plantar fasciitis and I am always exhausted.

I wonder if strangers will think I’m watching my grandkids when I’m out in public. This actually happened to my husband one day when he was out shopping with our 2 youngest children. It wasn’t a stranger, but someone he hadn’t seen in that setting before who knows how old he is.

I shouldn’t care what other people think, but I do wonder if there will be whispers.

Oh yeah, my medical forms also list me as elderly. Lol! I’m only 39!

Resting at Home

My feeling started really coming back last night around 9 o’clock. My husband was still 45 minutes from home at that point. I really felt I might recover pretty quickly from then on. I did regain more and more feeling, and decided to request we try for discharge rather than stay the night. My husband said if I felt ready to go by 10 or 11 he would come back for me. Once he got home he took care of our pets, got our woodstove going since it had died down while we were gone, and made sure the babies were changed and fed. By the time his chores were done we decided he should come back to get me. The doctor who had to approve my discharge was summoned to an emergency C-section, so I had to wait for them to come see me and have a listen to baby’s heartbeat. In the meantime I got on my feet, and was able to pass urine. I passed my tests to be released!

My husband made it back to the hospital at 12:30, but waited outside since the babies were sleeping soundly. I was still waiting for the doctor to come listen to the baby. They finally arrived, but after using 3 different dopplers they could not find her heartbeat! An ultrasound machine was brought to my room, and we were able to see her heart beating, and some movement. The doctor wasn’t familiar with the specific machine, so she had trouble trying to measure the heart rate. Finally they just used a stopwatch and counted it out. It measured about 150bpm, which was good. Finally I was cleared to go. I had my iv removed, got dressed, and was wheeled to an exit so my husband could pick me up. I got in the car at 1:45, and we made it home a little after 3 am.

I did have some bleeding and cramping once I got up and out of bed, but nothing heavy or too concerning. It’s normal to bleed after having your cervix stitched closed. 😉

I am very tired today, my back is sore and I have a headache. My complaints are minimal considering the possible outcomes. I am happy to say we’ve been able to find little Miss’s heartbeat fairly easily today.

Post Surgery Update #2

So, my spinal block has not worn off. It has been 5 1/2 hours since medication was administered, and I still have no feeling in my bladder region. My left leg has improved quite a bit, but the back of my thighs and bottom are still feeling heavy.

I have decided to send my family home to rest, and spend the night in the hospital. I was moved to another type of room, for patients needing a longer stay, but not a true hospital room. This one does have a television though. I may turn it on to watch some programming that I wouldn’t normally get to watch at home…like HGTV if it’s available. My television watching at home is usually dictated by the three year old. LOL! He does not like watching my house shows. ;P

My poor husband is making the 1 1/2 hour trip home now, and the plan is for him to come in the morning to retrieve me. I was thinking maybe he could come back during the night if my feeling returned, but it’s probably best if everyone got some rest before packing back into the car.

I am glad I decided to bring my scarf to work on, and my tablet for blogging. My cell phone is dying fast here in the hospital, so I am trying not to use it much.

I guess that’s all I have to share for now. I will probably write again when I can finally feel everything, and am allowed to go home. 🙂

Passing the time while I recover from surgery

I figure this is a good time to update you all on my surgery.

It was AWFUL! I survived, and after a little scare of not finding baby’s heartbeat on the doppler after surgery all seems to be fine with little miss. 🙂

My spinal block did not work as well as anyone would have hoped. I didn’t feel sharp pain during surgery, but I felt so much cramping, and little sharper twinges now and then. I cried, and was on the verge of requesting to be knocked out. I suffered through, and am now waiting for the numbness that did happen to wear off. My left leg especially is extremely numb. I can lift it off of the bed, and was even able to wiggle my toes during the surgery, but I don’t expect to be up and walking for quite a while.

This has been such a long day for me and my family. I live 1 1/2 hours from this hospital, so to be here for 11:30am we left at 9:45 so we could make one quick stop along the way. My surgery was delayed from it’s 1pm start time due to emergency C-Sections. I think it was between 2:45 and 3 when I was brought to the OR. I was in recovery at 4pm and am still here waiting for this numbness to pass and regain control of my bladder.

I anticipate being here for at least a couple of more hours since my left leg doesn’t seem any closer to normal than it did 1 1/2 hours ago. 😦

I had my family brought back to visit shortly, but sent them off to either relax in the car or explore the area while I recover. The kids are 12, 3 and 1 so my poor husband has had his hands full. The friend who we hoped could babysit had sick, feverish kids herself so it seemed better to bring ours with us than risk our family falling ill too. 😦

From the pictures I just added, you can see I am trying to crochet to pass the time now. It is difficult with an iv in. It was harder with my finger monitor on though. 😉

Feeling Anxious

My surgery is tomorrow. I heard from a nurse at the hospital today on my way home from work that I need to be there at 11:30 for my 1 o’clock surgery. I can’t eat after midnight, and to help keep my blood sugar up I am skipping my night time dose of insulin. I am allowed and encouraged to drink clear fluids up to 11 am tomorrow. The approved list is water, apple juice, ginger ale, and black coffee. So, water for me unless I feel my blood sugar dropping. If it does I will have apple juice.

I got my genetic screening results Monday, and I have less than a 1 in 10,000 chance of having a baby with any of the conditions the screened for. Yay! I also found out the gender. I am having a girl! I actually said ” Are you serious?” when I was told.

This gender reveal is actually causing me some extra anxiety in regards to my surgery. Tomorrow being March 1st is the 14th anniversary of losing my first child…my only daughter Tiffany. (I also had an 11 week and 5 week loss that I do not know the genders of)

I am so afraid to lose another daughter on the same day…or at all of course. The cerclage surgery is one to prevent premature delivery, but the surgery has it’s risks and miscarriage is one of them. It’s scary to do it, but knowing how my body failed during my first pregnancy it seemed like the right choice. Having 3 successful cerclage surgeries in the past should be a comfort, but this will be a new doctor. I am also worried that scarring from those past surgeries might complicate this one.

None of it is in my control though, so worrying is pointless. I understand the risks involved, I just hope I have worried for nothing.